Tuesday, December 30, 2014
It has been almost four weeks since I heard the words, “You have cancer.” The one word that could best describe how I have been feeling during this time is -- OVERWHELMED. I am overwhelmed with new information, appointments, feelings, worries, “stuff” that needs to get done, etc.
In my earlier letter to Undear Cancer, I wrote about having more FAITH THAN FEAR. I wish I could say during this time I have always had more faith than fear--but I have not. The balance between my faith and fear wavers constantly, moment to moment. My biggest fear, at this point, is the fear of the unknown. The oncologist does not have a treatment plan yet because he needs more test results to determine staging. The stage is unknown, the treatment is unknown, my future is unknown. I’m not used to the “unknown”. I’m used to the “known” -- taking the trash out Wednesday, Spelling tests for Luke on Thursday, and basketball games on Friday. Waking up and having a pretty good idea of what to expect for the day, the week, or the month may be considered boring, but it is comfortable. Not knowing is unbearably uncomfortable.
I am struggling with my feelings between faith and fear. I know ultimately, faith will prevail. I have been amazed, blessed and truly OVERWHELMED with the kindness and generosity of friends, my family, and the many “Secret Santas” who have truly blessed me and my family during this time. To all of you who have blessed us, I thank you. You give me, and my family, FAITH. The faith I will need to overcome my fears. The FAITH I will need to be the strongest I have ever been and to take this battle on--with everything I have inside of me.
Tomorrow is a new day. I hope to have it filled with FAITH.